Snow and Ice
by Oneshadedarker
Summary: Kyo has always been haunted by his inner demons but this time even the proud cat can't handle the monsters alone. Haru's there to make sure he doesn't have to. Extremely mild but implied yaoi


Hello everyone. My name is Lady Nxy and this is my first story for Fruits Basket, as well as my first attempt at anime...ever. Yeah well, it took me a long time to write this one and I'm still not happy with it. I was going to scrap it but in the end I just decided to post it because I apparently have no shame (sighs). I know this fic sucks (believe me, I've shed enough tears over it already) but I like to inflict abuse upon myself and others so here...please be nice (cringes).

Warning: There is implied yaoi...I don't even know if it should be considered yaoi. It's my first attempt at that too...(shakes head and prays for bullet) But if it in any way offends you then please click out...not that you shouldn't regardless but...you know, just to be sure.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket because if I did then I'd be on Ebay selling to the highest bidder...yeah right...lol.

**March 16, 2006**: Lyrics were removed and a new ending was added. Because I felt it became too OCC at the end. Hopefully now it's better.

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Tendrils of wind blew harshly across the terrain, blanketing once zealous flowers, sanctimonious trees and sagely rocks in a miasma of snow. Vines of ice and crystal snow marked some of the paths territory as hazardous and the star blessed glimmer from some of the rocks beneath his feet told him that he wasn't exactly safe on the path either. 

Silver orbs observed the silent descent of the seasons first snowfall, glancing at once vibrant leaves of the most effervescent gold, burgundy and fawn become bleached by the tangible snow, eradicating all color and destroying life, or, in a more enchanted view, preparing the soil for rebirth.

His gaze wandered upward, through the canopy of thick branches that still desperately clung to their lifeless leaves, his eyes mirroring the solemnity of winters approach and mild apprehension at darkening clouds which translated into potential heavy snowfall.

He sighed in irritation though the sound was whimsical, easily carried away by another fierce gale that harshly scoured his face, leaving his cheeks raw and flushed. Instinctively he burrowed deeper into his coat, allowing the fur that lined the collar to take away some of the numbness setting in. He shivered once in unconscious unease, twice for preservation and a third time for the hell of it. He couldn't help it. His body was seizing up, muscles contracting in a vain effort to retain heat.

He shook his head, observing with fleeting attention the small drifts of snow that fell from his hair, some left behind in his wake, others landing unbidden on his nose and the rest matting tendrils of hair to his forehead. He stopped suddenly, realizing it wasn't a wise idea to walk around while your mind was so intent on doing everything but what it was supposed to.

He shifted from one foot to another, glad he had worn his boots for this particularly unplanned outing and hoping the movement would restore some feeling. He gazed at the trees around him, one as uninteresting as the other and noticed, with apprehension, the marking he'd made earlier during his first trek down the path.

"Great, I've been going in circles" he muttered before clamping his teeth together to stop them from chattering. He turned forward, gazing at the deviation further along the trail. He marched forward, reaching the beginning of the divergence before he kneeled, bringing one gloved hand downward to brush away the snow recently accumulated. Once it has all been cleared away he sighed, noticing the footprint and realizing with a groan it was his own.

Leaning slightly forward he began to brush away more snow, perceiving that his footprints were leading down the left path and, having nothing more to lose except time, he wandered down the right path, hoping he wouldn't find himself back at the same juncture three days later because then he was seriously going to go home.

_'…Which way is home again?'_

Yeah…that was reassuring.

He wandered further down the path, noticing the shafts of light were much more abundant and realized it was because of the thinning trees. His usually passive countenance displayed a minute smile before he began to ascend the ancient stairs, observing a second pair of footprints scarcely hidden by the snow.

_'So he is here'_

Without prompt the sound of an infuriated yell permeated the air, causing some of the nearby birds to scatter in their surprise. He shook his head before climbing the last stair, gaze bombarded by the solitary temple secluded on top of the mountain. Abandoned for nearly a decade in favor of a new, whitewashed shrine located closer to the towns inhabitants it was the perfect spot for meditation, training or simply to seclude oneself from the idiocy of life. He knew the reason why his quarry sought this place, knew he once came here with Kagura, probably with reluctance but sometimes when things become too much its always a help to have someone to share the burden with you. He could only hope to provide the same relief…or at least enlightenment. If nothing else then one hell of a headache.

Silver eyes rolled over the courtyard, noticing without much difficulty the vibrant ginger hair peppered with snow, the tan skin that did not seem to reflect the bitter cold that swathed around the city, clothes plastered to his body and a solemn look that masked his usual vivacious sarcasm…which didn't fit him at all.

Unconsciously he began to move, feet treading on the remnants of a statue, aged rubble. His gaze turned downward, noticing the once proud ornament standing on a plateau of marble and realizing with mild compassion it was in the form of a rat, one of the temples protectors, now nothing more than a heap of stone. He could see the point in which something struck it with enough force to displace the statue, noticed it was a small dent and guessed it was anger and negligence for personal well being that led to the impetuous act.

He continued his advance, recognizing the moment in which the ginger haired man perceived his presence, tanned body becoming rigid and he ignored it, instead walking until he was close enough…close enough for warmth, for reassurance, for heated words and wounding arguments…for knowledge that someone was there, someone existed, someone to help pull you out of your own grave, that the world was just as expansive as you wanted to make it or maybe as diminutive as you were allowed.

Moments passed in silence, the implicit calm before the storm. And the storm wasn't long in coming. With a swift, impassioned turn he struck, fist colliding with a cheek of pale milk, made slightly rosy by the cold, now heated by the blow.

Snow unsettles around the fallen body, rising like a myriad of memories from previous winters filled with tragedy, loss, blood, confusion, tears, hatred, grief, anger…not simply for both of them but for all of them…for every single one who'd gazed at the falling snow and seen nothing but the promise of spring no matter how painful the journey.

The sound of a bird in the distance shattered the silence before a voice spoke, low, reflective of his resentment.

"What the hell are you doing here Haru?"

Silver eyes were clouded, gazing toward the sky with acute awareness, an awareness too sharp, eyes too forgiving. His fists clenched of their own volition, knuckles warm from the last punch. He didn't want forgiveness, not from Haru…he didn't want anything from anyone. That same gaze turned toward him, passive in a way that seemed sincere, befitting, normal. Maybe that was what Haru wanted him to feel. Normalcy. But it wasn't what he wanted to feel, it wasn't what he wanted at all…goddamn that cow…

"I asked you what you're doing here…"

"I came to get you Kyo"

So simple a sentence, so shattering a result. Kyo Sohma would have fallen then and there had his pride allowed him to do so. But the creature which now clawed its way to the surface, the creature he was cursed to bear as his second form, the inner voice which judged him and loathed him and fed from him and saw in others what it was denied and tortured for would not allow him to fall before the cow which had done him no harm, which had never caused him any injury except to follow blindly behind the rat. The stupid cow…out of all of them the cow should understand…the cow should hate…

_'The cow should suffer…'_

Intangible claws dug deep into Kyo's shoulder blades and it took all he had not to flinch, to show the telltale sign of weakness, to crumble before the invisible specter that threatened to unwind his sanity. The urge was there, the instinctual grasp toward self-preservation, the feeling that he should break away, scream and in his own way he felt he was. He was screaming but only he could hear it.

The specter sneered.

"I don't need you Haru…I don't need anyone. Leave."

The grip in no way lessened but he could feel the skin of rubber, made of the soul of the desperate, of the angry and dead, smelling of rotting corpses and metallic blood wind itself around him in an embrace meant to show comfort…possessiveness even. It praised him and Kyo could feel himself falling, casting one of his few remaining lifelines into oblivion. This thing…that cooed him and hurt him and helped him and cursed him and brought him pain and then gave him hope and shred it to pieces…this thing _was_ him. The true face of Kyo Sohma.

And it was fighting to get out.

The sound of movement brought crimson toward silver, gazes locked in an apogee of meaning and unsaid words and unwanted devotions and feelings Kyo didn't want…feelings he didn't deserve. He could feel anger override his loneliness, sentiments of a child long gone, dead and buried the day his mother told him of her love…

…and took her life to shatter all it ever meant.

"You stupid animal…what did you think you would accomplish? Did you think I would willingly go back with you? I'm not Kisa, I'm not looking for kind words and bandages for shattered images of memories and realities."

Haru's gaze never wavered; meeting Kyo's in some semblance of understanding Kyo didn't want Haru to express.

_'I want to hate you…I want to hate all of you…I didn't want to hate anymore…she was supposed to stop the hate…why couldn't she stop the hate…'_

The embrace tightened and Kyo felt the lifeless muzzle of the dead corpse nuzzling his ear in affection, in wickedness and in emphasis. Kyo was alone…he was always alone except for the demonic voice that seemed to crawl beneath his skin...the same demon which hated Tohru because she made Kyo _feel _and when he felt her warmth he couldn't feel the demons icy grip. When he laughed he couldn't cry and when he dreamed he couldn't remember the nightmares…the demons dominion.

It held no power when she was there…it didn't even exist. And Kyo believed…truly believed that love promised to him so long ago was now unblemished by crimson tears and hollow memories, unaltered by his mother's lifeless gaze which never met his until the day he found her in a pool of blood.

She had beautiful emerald eyes…he'd never noticed.

"Wallowing in self pity again…Kyo…I thought we were passed this…"

Kyo's teeth bared at the remark and the hiss near his ear told of the demons vehemence. What did Haru know? What did that presumptuous bastard think he saw in Kyo's eyes?

Movement bid Kyo's gaze as he saw Haru rise from his slumped position with a grace and forbearance that made Kyo wary. Accustomed to the blatant show of hostility, of power from those he faced he was naturally suspicious of Haru's controlled demeanor.

"So, what are you here to tell me Haru? That love solves it all? That I should be happy with the way things turned out?" Kyo sneered, happy to have gained some leverage. Then why did it hurt…why was it he felt a piece of himself die with every question he asked? Was it because he'd once…believed in…

Claws dug deeply into his shoulders and it took all his self control to stop his scream. His eyes closed for a second though to any observer it could have been dismissed as an expression of boredom, maybe exhaustion. He could feel an icy breath swathe around the shell of his ear, a hiss to quell superfluous memory.

"No, that's bullshit." Came the quiet reply, spoken in a tone of…understanding? Kyo's eyes opened and Haru was once again on his feet, removing flakes of snow from his coat. His measured movements made Kyo ache for Black Haru. At least that persona thought, felt and expressed only with his fists. This Haru was the intellectual, the one who quietly contemplated and scrutinized others behind a veil of indifference imparted to him. Yes, no one would suspect the cow…the very same cow who was so easily manipulated by the rat…no one would look into those silver eyes and expect hidden purpose or intent. The mask Haru wore so well, it was how he always managed to get too close...

…and it was that closeness Kyo feared.

"Kyo…no one ever listens do they? We speak and they give us vacant gazes like everything we've just spoken is nothing more than something to be tolerated. I want to know…when you close your eyes, who do you see?"

Kyo's body froze and the heartbeat so adjusted to his own suddenly lapsed, an unstable rhythm that took precedence over his own hearts pulse. It was only then that he realized the demon had slightly loosened its hold, tensed and waiting…awaiting what?

"I don't know what you're…"

"I see Yuki…trapped within the room Akito was so fond of…the room where his screams were always muffled except when I leaned against the wall and listened and prayed he wasn't dead."

Haru's eyes were shadowed, gazing toward the ground in some form of reverence. His foot kicked the snow in passing, the spray flying outward as if to distort one memory before creating another.

"I see Hatori the day he erased Kana's memory…the only day I saw him cry. He'd never seemed human, he always had this…nonattachment to everything I sometimes envied him for. Then he just shattered and I saw him pick up the pieces…so many were missing…even today so many are still missing."

"Stop it…"

"I saw the day Akito took the bracelet from your hand…"

"Shut up!" Kyo roared, his hands over his ears. That day…the day Akito bared Kyo's soul to judgment and broke his fortitude. The day Akito gave the demon a voice, a grip on Kyo's reality, a reason to exist even if it meant Kyo wouldn't. He could feel the demons grip over his own flesh, dank and cold because it was all it could ever be. Just a rotting corpse.

Haru brushed the command aside, advancing toward Kyo, eyes lost in those intangible memories that Kyo buried with his childhood.

"And you transformed into that creature…the evil spirit that can never slumber. I saw Kyo…the boy without fear, bitterness or remorse lose himself to his self-hatred. And for the first time I was afraid."

Kyo smiled, a bitter curve of his lips. Fear…a feeling he understood, one he accepted. Haru was finally speaking to the real Kyo, not the boy but the demon that called itself human.

"I wasn't afraid of its skin of dead corpses or its disquieting screams. I didn't fear its grotesque form or its inhuman eyes. I feared….I feared I'd lost you the way I'd lost Hatori…the way I lost Yuki. That this…thing was all you'd ever see yourself as."

Kyo shuddered, suddenly sick. He hugged himself as if for the first time he realized he was at the old shrine, in the thick of a snowstorm with Haru talking to him in a way Kyo forbid, of things dead and gone.

"That's what I see Kyo, every time I close my eyes. I see how time and time again I lose those I love to their inner demons. I see the what ifs, what would have happened if I'd had the bravery to stand up to Akito, to take their lives back for them…and I see you with your self-hatred, losing a piece of yourself until I can't tell where you begin and the cat demon ends…"

Haru didn't have time to finish the sentence before he sidestepped the first swipe of Kyo's hand, a punch meant to silence. Kyo didn't want to face his demons but Haru wasn't going to stop. He'd allowed it once…once was enough.

Kyo turned on the heel of his foot, swiftly bringing his other hand forward in retaliation but Haru easily caught it. With a speed Kyo never would have believed Haru capable of his hand was twisted behind his back, Haru's free hand around his neck and a warm breath against his ear.

"She chose him Kyo but that doesn't mean your demon has won. _It _only wins the day you stop…living, the moment you stop caring, the second you accept its twisted words. Kyo…Tohru chose Yuki…"

"Because she would never want to be with something like me…she saw me, the real me. She feared me…she still fears me."

The animosity was purged from his words, instead finding a new emotion. Despair. Kyo was breaking. Haru wanted it to come out, all of it.

_'Give me a ledge to hold on to Kyo…give me hope that your still there. That you're worth fighting for'_

"She's helped Yuki find a smile I thought long ago buried. She single handedly tore through the wooden doors of the room Akito paved with Yuki's tears. She gave him confidence. She's even helped Hatori find some of the missing shards of his heart…I envy her…she did more in two years than I did in my entire life. Be happy for them Kyo. They've suffered enough in their lives. They deserve this."

Fruitless struggles ceased and, for a second Haru thought he saw another fracture in Kyo's resolve.

"…What about our pain Haru? Don't we matter?" Despair was giving way to pain. Pain meant feeling. Feeling meant hope. The demon couldn't win if Kyo still held the power of sensation. If his sharp tongue and piercing eyes still held fire, passion and resolve. Maybe that is what scared Haru the most. How unresponsive Kyo could become, how lifeless. It meant the demon was one step closer and Kyo was two steps back.

"Do you feel we matter Kyo? Are we worthy of happiness?"

Kyo felt a shadowed hand enclose his heart, making him gasp in surprise and pain. The demon was angry. Haru had pushed it away from its protective perch, taken its place. The demon wanted Kyos attention. And Kyo could do nothing but tremble and pant and hope his sanity would remain long enough to find what he was searching for.

"How could I ever be happy…" not a question and Haru knew it hurt Kyo to utter it, to think that maybe there was nothing worth clinging to anymore. Tohru once gave him the courage to repel the demon within. Now she had chosen another…she rejected him. The way his mother rejected him the day she took her life. The way all her _I love you's _fell and shattered like the beads Akito stole from him the day he first transformed. The day he lost a piece of himself.

"So that's it…you give up? You're letting it win?"

With mild surprise Kyo felt strong hands die away and he was suddenly cold, colder than even the demon could make him feel. The unforeseen move forced Kyo to turn, to regard Haru with all cards set on the table.

"It won a long time ago Haru…as long as the cat is cursed this is all I'll ever amount to…" Kyo raised his arm, allowing Haru to see the black and white beads encompassing his wrist. "All they'll ever see of me. All they'll care to see of me. And they'll love me until they see what I truly am and they'll run…just like Tohru…"

"And what about us Kyo? What about the rest of us? You think just because we're members of the zodiac we don't feel? That we don't care?" Haru protested and for the first time Kyo could trace the venom from Black Haru. Kyo could always sense when the darker persona was around. He could see when Haru's mask was beginning to falter, had enough experience with his own disguise to recognize another's.

"You're not like them Haru…I want acceptance…from _them_…"

"We're not animals Kyo…we can feel. We can love…we can accept just as easily as they can. What makes us different?"

Kyo wanted to scream suddenly, to tell him there was a dramatic difference. How they were forced to accept him because he shared their curse…how in the end their love meant nothing because it could never compare to hers…

"I accept you Kyo…all of you. All those imperfect pieces, jagged and broken. Just like I accept Hatori's indifference or Yuki's abandonment…"

Kyo's face, one full of malice began to lose its spite. A harsh wind unsettled the snow beneath their feet, bringing a tempest of crystal around them. Clouds of pallid milk were becoming icy steel and time seemed to freeze for a second, simply cease to mean anything. Maybe it never did.

_'Yuki's abandonment…'_

Haru understood. He knew the pain of rejection, of being exposed to the one person who mattered and knowing only desecration and bitterness. Haru had lost Yuki…Kyo had lost Tohru…Haru had retained his sanity, Kyo was losing his.

"I never expected Yuki to accept me. How could he when I was the one who allowed him to be harmed. I was never good enough for him…"

_'I was never good enough for her…'_

"…I never deserved him…"

_'…I never deserved her…'_

"…I'm not…"

_'…complete.'_

"But if there is one thing I learned from loving Yuki it's that...if you want completeness you need someone willing to stand by you. Its not that they complete you, it's that they make you want completion. I never incited that in Yuki. I never made him strive toward completion. But she…all she had to do was look at him and…"

_'…he wanted to be perfect…if only to reach her.'_

Kyo backed away, slow, measured steps meant to place distance. Distance he wanted, distance he needed. He was astonished he could move at all. The mask he'd held had long ago crumpled and Kyo could almost see the ruins glistening maliciously against the pureness of the snow. The demon had long ago let go of him, now on the floor, hands over its ears in pain.

'_Do you feel it now…my pain? Do you know my feelings; do you see my anguish, my anger, my loneliness?'_

It didn't respond to Kyos mental prodding, instead falling on all fours, eyes opened toward the sky that reflected the death of the living and the emergence of the past. Kyo couldn't find the strength to continue, to scream and yell. He turned away from the pitiful sight beside him, gazing at Haru at it all seemed too much. Words…feelings escaped of their own volition like animals within open cages.

"…I want to be complete Haru…I don't want the voices anymore." He fell to his knees; body hunched forward, hands around himself in a movement that expressed pain. Not physical pain but mental…emotional. "I don't want to make excuses for why I should be alone…why I shouldn't feel. I want to stop the pain…"

He could no longer continue. His body, his mind…it was too much. His body gave way, falling forward into waiting, strong arms that wrapped around him without judgment or antagonism. He shivered from the heat…shivered from the cold, shivered from the open wounds on his shoulders, around his heart where the demon always stood sentry over him, mocking and angry. And Kyo thought maybe now he understood why.

_'It's incomplete…just like me…'_

With the remainder of his strength Kyo cast a sideways glance toward the fallen demon, seeing nothing but the eyes so like his own gazing back at him. A child of no more than five peered through thick ginger hair and crimson eyes, a child that wore the bracelets of black and white that cursed his lineage, the bones of his ancestors, strong and sturdy like tree trunks, yet trapped in the delirium of prejudice and fear, the vines that seeped poison. In its arms slept a cat, one he stroked in a form of reverence, in peace and contentment.

The demon finally slept. The child had reawakened. And Kyo could feel some of the wounds begin to clot, the blood stopping its flow. Maybe he would heal. The scars would remain but…they would pass into memory, a memory he would keep.

Kyo felt the slight surge of cold on his nose, looked to see a snowflake melt into his skin, a rivulet of water trace the contours of his face. He turned upward, to see its brethren following suit, a tempest of snow descending upon them. Snow…purity…rebirth. Kyo found a veiled blessing within each snowflake that christened his body.

"We'll find completion one day…won't we Kyo?"

Kyo turned toward Haru, seeing that silver gaze turned upward toward the sky, his eyes a color so pure and natural they seemed to be a child's but wise enough to be only Harus. Kyo followed suit, until both were lost in eternal memory of what both have lost…and have gained.

"Yeah Haru…we'll find completion. Someday."

A gloved hand encased his and Kyo allowed a minute smile to grace his face.

_'You make me strive toward completion Haru…for you, I'll find it. I'll find myself...and I'll find you. Jagged edges and all.'_

And then without preamble the moment was gone, left in the wake of the beginnings of winter's errant waves. Taking the road most traveled Kyo pushes Haru away, not rough enough to imply anger or annoyance but enough so that a sense of stability falls between them.

"Don't touch me idiot." Kyo muttered in exasperation but even that couldn't deter Harus smile. This was Kyo and good or bad it didn't matter…it was normal and refreshing and innovative and authentic and utterly Kyo and Haru was thankful for it. To lose your way was human but to lose yourself was to lose your identity. And then you were neither human nor monster and that was the most horrible loneliness.

"Tch…are you even listening to me?"

Haru turned his gaze to meet crimson, his eyes blank and owlish in the blood red flame. Kyo felt an oncoming headache.

"Just when I thought you had a brain you had to prove me wrong." Kyo sighed before shaking his head in defeat. He turned back to Haru who gazed at him with innocent interest, like a puppy who is being scolded without truly understanding. That look alone made Kyo's annoyance go away, surprising him.

_'I'm giving him power, power over me. Power is fickle and often misused. But Haru doesn't use his own power against others. He lends his strength to so that others may have enough to persevere. And maybe our power can be the not of control but of connection…maybe it can be more.'_

"Are you going home?"

The question jarred Kyo from his thoughts and instantly he turned back toward Haru, trying to appear as composed as he could. Damned if he would allow that stupid cow to know how strong his connection to Kyo had truly become.

_'Power in moderation…I don't want him getting a bigger head than what he's got'_

Kyo thought about Haru's question, something he'd asked himself since his escape from Shigure's house. Was he strong enough to return to that life and all it entailed? Before he hadn't been sure but now…now he knew. He was strong enough to understand change and wise enough to admit others their happiness. But for right now he needed to find a semblance of his own contentment. And that would come when he accepted himself, even the imperfect pieces.

"Nah, not yet. I'm not in any particular hurry to get an earful from Hatori or see Shigure's ugly mug. I think I'll find those missing pieces you were babbling about."

"Where?" Haru questioned, his eyes following Kyos retreating form and the footprints left in the cats wake. Footprints that broke the snow with ease, imprints that broke the silence. So many more would follow the road paved by the cat's ambitions but that was okay. That was life.

"I don't know but there's a big world out there. Your good at getting lost…why don't you show me?"

Haru's eyes widened in surprise. He'd never been asked to guide anyone else, always the one being led, like a misplaced child. But now someone was asking him to walk next to them, in front of them.

And suddenly getting lost wasn't such a bad thing anymore.

Haru's face broke out into a full fledged smile, one that Kyo scoffed at with aggravation. "Stupid cow."

But even that couldn't take the feeling away. And as both took to the broken path that would lead them to the unknown it didn't feel unnatural or spontaneous. Because both of them were vagrants of their own desires and too untamed to be kept caged. Because the world was meant to be lost in but never to be traveled by yourself. Because it's easier to find their lost pieces together instead of alone.

Because snow is snow and ice is ice. But in the end…both became spring.

And that was okay too.

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I hope you guys liked...a little?...a tiny bit?...oh well, I tried. Anyway, if you feel inclined to then feel free to leave a review and let me know if I should even bother writing any more Fruits Basket. Reviews are appreciated and flames expected. Anyway, peace and thanks. 


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